I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
