Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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