The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Someone came in the potted fern
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
