I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
