mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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