hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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