Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
