____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need to stop coming to work sober
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
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