How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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