If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize