He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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