I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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