the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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