I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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