um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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