Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
