GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
