I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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