Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
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