You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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