mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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