turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
