I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
