Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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