I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
