You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
