In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
