if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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