My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
