No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
