The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize