i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I yelled at your uterus for you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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