my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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