a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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