Got a toothbrush?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
