cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
