We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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