can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
