you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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