I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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