i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
