i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
