I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
