he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
