Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
