I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
