I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we made out on top of his cat.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
