Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
