And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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