My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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