blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
