i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
