Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
