I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
