I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
