Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
love makes seman taste better
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
