you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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