I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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